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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, colette

Tired. Unmotivated. This describes my current state of mind. Why am I this tired?

I know so many people who do more than me; they get better grades and have more responsibilities. However, I cannot uphold any assumptions. I have no idea what's happening in my peers' lives.

I'm sitting at work right now, reflecting on 2022 so far. I landed an internship and I have great relationships with my family and friends. I know last year I would have never thought I'd be in this place. I should be happy… right?

However, I know I am a pool of emotions, medicating to feel stable. I have been wondering when the freedom of my mind will begin. Stuck is a good word to describe my mind.

However, when I walk around campus, there is a time when my mind feels at peace. The old architecture of the buildings reminds me of my solid but fragile old house on Long Island. This leads me back to having visions of the charming rocky beaches, wooden houses, open fields and winding roads. The memories I have from home fill my heart; however, I have realized over the past couple of months the memories I have created at college fill my heart as well. As different as they are, I appreciate them equally. Walking around campus or going on adventures with my friends back home is usually the only time I feel something. Whenever I walk around campus, it derives a feeling of being safe, filling my heart.

Since last summer, I've realized the little things fill my heart. Though I have grown and gotten better, at least once a day, I think about the place I was once in during May through August 2021. The fear that I'll have another panic attack is immense.

This feeling builds up until I realize my growth. I am still not perfect, but I am relatively content. The tiredness weighs me down; however, I can remind myself of the little things, deriving a sense of peace that will always warm my heart when I feel this way.


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