Don’t break me down again. Don’t make me have to say sorry.
But I am going to apologize anyway, because that's who I am.
I have felt every feeling imaginable between September 2022 and right now. There’s nothing I can do now; it's all on me. But when will I learn to love myself? What can I do? I know life is beautiful, but I'm stuck wondering whether my curious youthful brain or insecurity is taking over.
I promise I'm pure.
I am truthful and try to see the good and potential for growth in any situation. I have my mother's intellect and my father's heart. This might be why I sleep so much - I'm caught up in serenity and tranquility.
Let go. The objective I'm attempting to accomplish. It's challenging for me.
But why? Because my sadness has started to elicit anger, which is hard for me to say because it's unlike me. I usually dismiss anger. But not this time, which has me confused. How can I do this? I hear others say I deserve more, which causes me to feel frustrated with the universe. It's unexpected, something that appeared out of nowhere.
My guilt has caused me to rage at myself even when I have beautiful thoughts. I recall my first sentimental experiences. I remember my mother and I cutting roses in the garden when I was three. Is this me being dramatic, or is my mind trying to remind me why I'm here?
She always insisted that I smell them. If I stop and smell the roses of my life, I'll feel better. Regain my faith in the good and hold onto it.
Why do my eyes well up with tears when I try to relax? To some extent, I attribute this to my system repressing the timeline. I am trying my best.
I've repressed the feeling deep within. I'm trying to put it out of my mind, but it keeps coming back. Discussing any of it makes me emotional to the point of nausea. The reason is: it's just not possible to fathom. How ineffective have I been in my attempts to make everyone happy?
The memories keep returning to me, the feeling of being mistreated like I didn't seem to matter, almost like I was nothing. Unfortunately, I succumbed to it and have had difficulty refuting it.
I can only help and love myself at this point. Things will improve with time, even despite the gut-wrenching remarks. I have come to one conclusion.
Life is beautiful and I have time. However, I didn't deserve it. I know this, yet all I can do is push through and calm my mind, but at the end of the day, all I truly need is a hug.
Yours truly,
Colette
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