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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, jayda

Love is a beautiful thing until it’s not. Finding someone that wants you beyond physical attraction, aiming to understand your mind and resonate with your soul, makes it a thrill to fall in love with that person. As a girl that loves love and all that comes with it, my expectations had been set high and I can thank my parents for that. They have the cliche love story of being high school sweethearts– my dad swooned my mom in with his affection and charming personality and now they live in a happy home with a happy life. Since my adolescence I had been planning my wedding, the names I would give my future children, the red door I would paint on my all white house, and almost every aspect of my future with a significant other. I was a lover girl.

In a way, I was young and desperate for love. I longed for my parents' love story– one that I could go on and tell my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. The combination of being young and impulsive worked against me as I started to become attached to any boy that showed me attention. Sophomore year of high school came and so did, who I thought was, my soulmate. We felt so perfect for each other and now looking back I realize it was all a scheme to love bomb the girl that loves love. It was absolutely the most perfect crime. Three years later brought me to the realization it wasn’t really love and as much as I craved genuinity from it, I never had it.

Remembering the best parts of us is my guilty pleasure– but with that, my imagination exceeds me and the bad times compensate for the good. I can’t disregard the fact that the good was really good though. Even so, the pain from the bad was almost unbearable. It changed me. For a year of my life I didn’t recognize myself and those closest to me had a hard time doing so as well. We spent so much time together and I started to forget there were other people in my life. The world had spun just us two for years and I should have realized it was too good to be true. This mutual affection we had for one another would eventually fade when he started getting attention elsewhere. I accept the situation and what has happened now. We were young when we met so he never had the chance to experience what young boys do. But I was young too.

Losing yourself because the boy who used to be so in love with you he could die starts withdrawing his emotions with no explanation is a mistake I will never make again. Now I know better. There is no closure for me, but I am smarter, wiser, and prepared to deal with this again if given the chance. I no longer hold the title of lover girl nor do I want to. I just like love now.


yours truly,

Jayda


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