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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, kelly

Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed. After a summer of long days and sleepless nights, it's been hard getting back into what feels like an endless cycle of stress and disappointment. I know I’m not alone in this, but honestly I can’t help but feel alone. I’ve been finding it difficult trying to find a balance between classes, clubs, a social life, and still somehow managing to find time for myself. I don’t know how everyone else does it. Two weeks in and I already feel behind- my work isn’t good enough, I’m not participating enough in extracurriculars, and not even having enough fun when I can. There's always 20 tabs on my computer left unopened and unfinished, a class I'm running late to and an event I forgot I had to go to. Living in the busiest city in the world it feels as if I’m running a marathon out of breath and in last place.

I’m drained and every bone in my body is exhausted. At night I dream of the long nights of summer where it felt okay to be a complete and utter mess most of the time. Then my blaring alarm wakes me up and I’m back to the reality of being a stressed out junior in college. It feels like everyone around me knows exactly what they’re doing while I’m still trying to figure it all out. I don’t understand how my peers seem to have the next ten years of their life planned out while I’m struggling to figure out what I even want to do with my life. I feel like I’ve been left behind to fend for myself. Everyone keeps asking what I want to do after college, and every time my mind goes blank. What do I want to do? Am I even passionate about what it seems has already been decided for me? The truth is, I don’t have it all figured out and I bet no one else does either. While I’m looking in vain at the girl sitting next to me in class with color coded notes and a brilliant internship, I bet she feels just as stressed out as I do. Or at least I hope she does, that would make me feel a whole lot better. I feel like there’s this pressure, but when I really think about it I’m putting all this pressure on myself. No one is telling me I’m not good enough, only the voice in my head that holds me back. I may be a hot mess, but that’s okay. This year I’ll be turning 20, and as I’ve been told your twenties are for figuring yourself out. Here’s to hoping I figure it all out soon.


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