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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, emmy

What do you want to be when you grow up? A question placed on worksheets in

elementary school, usually accompanied by an area where you can create an illustration of the

job you longed to be in. I was probably around 5 or 6 years old, so my response was probably

something like, a teacher or veterinarian.

I am now 20 years old, and I am still quite lost on the thought of the physical career I

want to do for the rest of my life. What do I want to be? Short Answer. A designer. That dream

career that is so far out of reach and discouraged by my family that I have given up on it. (Don’t

get me wrong though, my parents have always encouraged my creative hobbies, but not as

something to pursue professionally.) I am faint of heart and that is something that needs working

on. So…. that leaves me with nothing. Yes, I am in the business school with a marketing major

and digital arts minor, but will that really help me accomplish my dreams of being in the fashion

world? Maybe, but ultimately, I am told I have no chance in being a designer.

So, what do I want to be… that's NOT a designer? I don’t know. I shove that thought

deeper into the recesses of my mind, reluctant to confront it. I think I will just take what’s

presented to me, even if it isn’t something that I want to do. That is sad. My parents do their

dream jobs. My brother does his dream job. I have been surrounded by people who have chased

their dreams and succeeded in catching them. Naturally, I feel as if I need to as well and the

expectations for me are held high.

More recently, I have been focusing on and thinking about the person I am right now.

Rather than physical things, I recognized that in order to find a passion for my future, I first need

to define who I want to be.

I would like to say I am mature and empathetic, yet these qualities only come into play

when socializing with other people. With myself, I am my own bully. I self-sabotage and tell

myself I can’t do anything right. My friends and family often tell me that I am the most

pessimistic person ever, and yes, I want to change that. Pessimism is what comes easily to me;

it's become a part of who I am. Except, deep down, I know it's not.

I aspire to embody optimism, radiating happiness and contentment when I enter a room.

First step is to be happy… which is easier said than done. I aim to be a person characterized by

trustworthiness, patience, compassion, motivation and inspiration in all aspects of life. Most

importantly, I must extend forgiveness to both myself and others, releasing the burden of past

events that may have contributed to the negativity that lies within me.

Once I pick up the pieces of myself that I have abandoned down the line, I can heal and

move forward with this next chapter of my life. I deserve to be happy and create a future I am

proud of.

I forgive you.

Yours truly,



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