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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, grace

I think I rely on music too much. I have a constant desire to listen to music. All the time. When I wake up to get ready for the day. When I take a shower. From the moment I step out of my door until the second I sit down for class I have my headphones blaring. I need it to workout. I need it to fall asleep. I crave a continuous beat that paints imaginary colors in my unsaturated life. It’s probably because I fear silence. Well, not exactly silence. When the music turns off the anxious thoughts in my head get louder and I fear that they won’t ever go away. So it’s easier to detach myself from reality and turn up the volume instead. But what comes easy is not always what is best for you. When I play a song, the lyrics cloud my mind and I begin to daydream, creating unrealistic fantasies of what my life could look like but never will. The melody gives me a euphoric feeling like no other. The best is when you hear a song for the first time and it scratches that itch on your brain and you play it on repeat, searching for that exhilaration again. But what my brain is truly craving is exhilaration from reality. I choose to escape the world around me and enter the world I’ve created inside my head. When I go for a walk, I’d much rather imagine myself running through a purple meadow or clubbing with Europeans or having the best sex of my life, than do some self-reflection. Because let’s face it, it’s fun. It’s really fun to attain that feeling and make life a little more upbeat. But what isn’t fun is when that feeling turns into dissociation. These imaginary worlds I have created for myself are just that. Imaginary. Not real. I disconnect myself from who I actually am because I leave no room for mental clarity. There was a point over the summer when I stopped listening to music every time I went for a run. It was unbearable at first but after a while I found my mind to be less clouded because I actually took the time to reflect on my emotions instead of pouring them into unrealistic scenarios. I began to appreciate the sounds of nature. The birds chirping and the leaves rustling in the wind served as my natural music. There is saturation in my life. I’m just not looking for it hard enough. But it’s there and it’s waiting for me to put my headphones down and look around at what’s been in front of me this whole time.

yours truly,



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