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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, jilleen

Something I’ve put a lot of thought into throughout the last year and a half is self growth, and how I can best achieve that for myself as I become a “real” adult — a.k.a, someone graduating soon. Self growth is something that comes with time, but in my experience, it has also required a lot of effort. It requires you to be okay with being unsure if you’re “doing it right.” It means trying to improve yourself in the best way that you know how, and to not judge others’ ways of improving, because we all have different ideas of how and who to be.

I have found that for me, the best way to grow as a person is to identify weaknesses and figure out how they can best be worked on. So, if I was really struggling with saving money, I would come up with a plan to do a better job at adding a percentage of my paycheck to my savings account. Maybe I would even listen to financial planning podcasts or talk with some experts on how to best approach this.

One of my weaknesses that I feel comfortable sharing online is my sense of self doubt. I am not special for being someone who struggles with this, especially during college, yet I have still had to come up with my own ways to navigate fixing this issue for myself. Some ways that I’ve come up with are easier said than done, like learning to not care about other people’s opinions. When I was younger, I cared so much about every little thing someone said or even just thought about me. Even if they didn’t share their thoughts, I’d worry about what they might think of me.

Since then, I’ve really had to work hard to differentiate whose opinion matters most and whose doesn’t really matter at all. While I still listen to the opinions of many people, I now know when to really take them into account. This makes it so much easier to know when to take criticism seriously and when to let it roll off your back. While anyone’s opinion can be valid, some people might not know me well enough to offer advice that actually resonates with me.

Since I started doing this, I have started trusting my gut a lot more. I have started really valuing relationships with certain people, like my parents and a few very close friends, more deeply. I have found it easier to let go of things people who don’t know me that well say about me, and more importantly I have realized that I don’t have anything worth saying about them.

I am not perfect, and I still find myself filled with doubt about things whether they are significant or not. Like I said before, I have no idea if I am “doing it right.” For all I know, I’m totally effing this up - but that’s okay. I am still growing either way, but I feel a million times better about myself and my choices than I did a year and a half ago.


Yours Truly,

Jilleen

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