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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, max bennett

How are you feeling? Are you doing okay? Questions that for the past couple of months I have

been hearing nonstop, left and right. Saying “I’m doing fine” or “I’m alright” has become my

routine half the time, I don’t even realize that that’s what I’m saying because it just falls right off

of my tongue. The truth is, I’m not always fine. I feel awful. I feel like my life is hanging by a

thread. I feel that if one more bad thing happens to me, I’m going to fall off the face of Earth and


Growing up, expressing emotions was not in my vocabulary by any means. If I shed tears, it was

always the usual “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about” line or my personal

favorite, “Stop being weak and get it together”. What’s wrong with me expressing how I feel

without words? I may not have the words to express how I feel, but sometimes my body does it

for me. The eyes sometimes speak a language I’m not native in, so for many years I struggled

with my feelings and being in tune with them.

Was I weak? The answer would’ve been yes if you asked me this years ago. I was

unintentionally trained to deal with what was given to me and keep it to myself, and that’s what

I’ve always done. I was so ingrained with that lesson that the idea of sharing your inner emotions

was disgusting to me. Weak, loser and a crybaby were the associations I contemplated in my

mind when it came to showing emotions.

This past semester, I did the unthinkable. I won’t say it because it’s too Rated R, but when I did

it, I didn’t care. My body and my mind just gave up; I didn’t care what I felt or how I felt, all I

knew was that I didn’t feel... okay. I wasn’t okay and for the longest time, I wasn’t okay. I was

fine, I was alright, I was pushing through, but I was never just okay. There was always

something in the way of me being okay, and it didn’t hit me until I was in the hospital that I was

never in tune with myself and what I was feeling. I didn’t permit myself to process my feelings

but instead, I suppressed it to the point where it had to explode out of me.

So now when I answer the “Are you doing okay” and “How are you feeling” questions, my body

will always try to say “I’m alright, I’m okay” when my heart and my mind know to say “I’m not

okay, but I’m getting there”. It’s a process to get to a healthy state of mind and soul, but nothing

ever comes easy.

I’m grateful to be emotionally aware, and to have family, friends, and professional resources to

help me understand who I am in all aspects.

Visit the website:

Yours truly,

Max Bennett


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