How are you feeling? Are you doing okay? Questions that for the past couple of months I have
been hearing nonstop, left and right. Saying “I’m doing fine” or “I’m alright” has become my
routine half the time, I don’t even realize that that’s what I’m saying because it just falls right off
of my tongue. The truth is, I’m not always fine. I feel awful. I feel like my life is hanging by a
thread. I feel that if one more bad thing happens to me, I’m going to fall off the face of Earth and
disappear.
Growing up, expressing emotions was not in my vocabulary by any means. If I shed tears, it was
always the usual “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about” line or my personal
favorite, “Stop being weak and get it together”. What’s wrong with me expressing how I feel
without words? I may not have the words to express how I feel, but sometimes my body does it
for me. The eyes sometimes speak a language I’m not native in, so for many years I struggled
with my feelings and being in tune with them.
Was I weak? The answer would’ve been yes if you asked me this years ago. I was
unintentionally trained to deal with what was given to me and keep it to myself, and that’s what
I’ve always done. I was so ingrained with that lesson that the idea of sharing your inner emotions
was disgusting to me. Weak, loser and a crybaby were the associations I contemplated in my
mind when it came to showing emotions.
This past semester, I did the unthinkable. I won’t say it because it’s too Rated R, but when I did
it, I didn’t care. My body and my mind just gave up; I didn’t care what I felt or how I felt, all I
knew was that I didn’t feel... okay. I wasn’t okay and for the longest time, I wasn’t okay. I was
fine, I was alright, I was pushing through, but I was never just okay. There was always
something in the way of me being okay, and it didn’t hit me until I was in the hospital that I was
never in tune with myself and what I was feeling. I didn’t permit myself to process my feelings
but instead, I suppressed it to the point where it had to explode out of me.
So now when I answer the “Are you doing okay” and “How are you feeling” questions, my body
will always try to say “I’m alright, I’m okay” when my heart and my mind know to say “I’m not
okay, but I’m getting there”. It’s a process to get to a healthy state of mind and soul, but nothing
ever comes easy.
I’m grateful to be emotionally aware, and to have family, friends, and professional resources to
help me understand who I am in all aspects.
Visit the website: https://988lifeline.org/
Yours truly,
Max Bennett
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