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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, colette

“You should try to smile more... You'd be fine if you just relaxed.”

I'm not sure why I hear this so frequently. I've been attempting to put myself in other people's shoes to communicate better and understand them. But why do I get the impression that no one wants to do the same for me?

Comparing ourselves, especially when it comes to our difficulties, is the worst thing we can do to each other. Even if someone else's life is miserable, and yours is worse, they will still have conflicts and demons. This concept is something I'm starting to grasp.

I've been having difficulties sleeping as I've been replaying every event from the last three months of my life. I'm confident I haven't done anything particularly horrible. Even if I had, I'm sure I'd be picking up the pieces and feeling guilty right now; nonetheless, I replay every detail of how I speak or what someone has said to me to justify my ego.

I have no idea who I am, but I make assumptions about myself based on how people treat me. I make every effort to be a nice person and to help others. I know everyone appreciates it, but because of it, I just feel lonely at the end of the day.

My biggest goal in life is to be happy. I feel that I should have accomplished this a long time ago. It makes me sad when I don't do something for someone else. I feel a sense of guilt and shame. A couple of weeks ago, I was diminished for being too generous. Though this trait can be beautiful yet damaging, it is a part of me. And I cannot change who I am.

Why is it that I feel hurt and happy at the same time? I think it's because I strive to make others happy, but I don't take the time to make myself happy. I feel the pleasure of love from acts of kindness; it's surprising how I can be so destructive to myself. I wish I knew how to make myself happy.

I'm usually so tired that I can't do anything for myself. I want to take a long shower, do an extended skincare routine and FaceTime my mom. The little things such as these are what bring me peace and joy. I wish I knew what was causing my exhaustion. However it is evident; I am devoting too much to others and not myself. But that's not a bad thing, right?

I believe that a significant part of it stems from applying myself to everything I enjoy. Love is a feeling that develops within me. Something becomes a part of me once it provides comfort and peace.

I wish I had learned from my errors. I know I can still strive everyday and grow through practicing self love and care, and hopefully one day I can work through my past mistakes and learn from them. I hope I can be happy without relying on people for support. I'm not sure why I always seek solace in what has previously hurt me, but it's something I need to figure out for myself.

Yours Truly, Colette


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