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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, colette

Why Not me?

Everyone thinks I'm fine, but I'm not - or you've already noticed. It's a hard pill to swallow when you know the extent of your actions, but sometimes your mind blurs them out to make everything seem okay. Something that I've been using as a crutch for all my situations is justification. And sometimes, this can be a good thing, but my trial is up.

All I want to know is what I can do to be better. Be a better friend, student, roommate- anything. And though I know that I am good, I want something more. Something to bring me pure happiness and contentment. Making people satisfied and happy used to be my primary source of fulfillment. However, individuals tend to take advantage of me more than not.

I want to feel okay again. I want to feel the summer sun on my back as I eat a healthy plate of fruit or hear a compliment that I genuinely believe sticks to my mind for the rest of the day. I don't know why I don't believe what people say to me- it's all positive, but I don't feel positive within myself, so I don't believe it.

Old money by Lana Del Rey plays on repeat as I type away- The song's mood brings me back- to something more elegant and simplistic- home. I miss my mom, dad, sisters, and dogs. "Yet still inside I still felt alone," she sings- exemplifying exactly how I feel. "If you call for me, ill run," - she sings. It reminds me how I'll give the world to anyone who shows me a little contentment and interest.

I want someone to give me a chance. I know myself- I see the love I am capable of giving - which I have already proved on multiple occasions. So why not me? Well, I know the baggage that comes with love- especially the kind I am looking for. Maybe it's me. I don't want to imply this because it shatters my heart. However, overcoming these intrusive thoughts may be a better remedy for me- something more stabilized for my mind.

I'm not a bad person, but lately I've been making the wrong decisions- primarily to bring me a rush of happiness. However this happiness is only temporary. Why do I do this? Is it because I grew up unhappy? Maybe. However I cannot dwell on this because it will not help me move forward.

No more justification. It is time for me to take action for myself. What can a girl do? Put all of her energy into things I get no return from? Yes, that is exactly what I will keep doing. Because I have never experienced true love and I am ready to do whatever it takes to grasp the love I deserve. No matter how much I put myself down, I know that I am deserving of more.

Yours Truly, Colette


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