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  • Lotus Magazine MC

yours truly, conall

I used to dream about my twenties. You see the movies and the shows and hear the stories and the laugh of what it is like being a twenty-something year old. But now that I am twenty, where is my epiphany that makes me finally understand it all? Why doesn’t it feel like the grass is greener on this side?

For so long, I have always expected there to be these major epiphany moments in my life. Moments where things click together, I come to my senses and realize it all. But again, in those moments, turning twenty, graduating high school, even when I  entered high school, there was no big shift. I’d have a glimpse of something like this, of course. It would slap me in the face and yank my heart down to my stomach, but after that brief moment, I’d still be the same person. That this is real life, not an hour and thirty-six minute movie where all my problems are wrapped up by love, or the mystery being solved. That isn’t reality. 

For a while this held me back. I felt lost. Where were those movie moments I’ve heard about? Where were the cheesy “I love life and this is all so perfect?” It made me feel like there was something wrong. Looking around, I’d see other people get those moments. Eventually, my constant looking around at other’s lives rather than being focused on my own made me jealous.

“The grass is always greener on the other side.” A saying every person has heard and knows of. It reminds you to always remember that just because something looks perfect or better, doesn’t mean it truly is. For a while, I thought I understood that. I knew that I shouldn’t be jealous of others because it would just hurt me. However, the key word was that I thought I understood that. In reality, I didn’t. 

(If you think I'm going to tell you how I had an epiphany where I tell you how I finally understood it all, you’d be wrong).

Why do I write this then? To let whoever reads this know that it’s okay. Though I did not have an epiphany moment where I understood it all, I did understand that it was okay. I turned twenty 23 days ago. That’s 23 days of “adulthood.” Why would I ever hold myself to the same caliber as a 21, or even 27 year old? 

Turning twenty didn’t have me solve my problems in one 45 minute long episode. The only epiphany I’ve had is that there is no cookie cutter perfect path in life. There are highs and lows and you’ll figure them out eventually. As Thich Nhat Hanh said: “Happiness is possible right now, today – but happiness cannot be without suffering.” Maybe that's cheesy, but it's nice to remember that without the lows, there’d be no highs.

Yours truly, Conall


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