yours truly, fiona

All I have ever wanted was to be loved. I watched all the movies. I envisioned myself in the big house in the country surrounded by wildflowers and enclosed within the stereotypical white picket fence. The house I wanted to live in with my soulmate, who I still hadn’t met yet.

I have watched most of my friends find their match. With their tall, dark and handsome partner who makes their eyes light up like stars when they walk into the room. Watching them embrace, a smile plastered across their faces, whispering sweet nothings to each other as if no one else was in the room.

I learned that some people change.

Some people move on and some are forgotten about.

My two best friends moved on…without me.

They were the two people who made me forget about the dark cloud above my head reminding me that I wasn’t good enough. They made me fall in love with myself and even them in a platonic way. They had given me the love and attention I craved and thought could only come from men. That man never came, so my friends loved me until he did. Then in a blink of an eye it was over.

They were swept off in the tornado of love and like Dorothy I was lost in a place that I never thought I would be: the land of the forgotten.

I was happy for them and I knew that they deserved what they had, but why didn’t I? I talked to them about it and they told me how it happens when you least expect it, or it is all God’s plan, but my life has been no walk in the park.

From the time I was in 5th grade I grew up rather fast due to unfortunate circumstances in my life that I could not control. I thought after years of questioning “why not me?” my questions would have been answered by now.

My emotions were never directed towards my friends. Every little tear I shed in the lonesomeness of my room on weekends, or the tightness in my throat when my calls got declined were due to my own personal vendetta. They got what I had wanted. They got the love I looked for in every little place, the love that I had prayed for.

The reality of my life was that I was hurt.

I felt like I was not enough. I watched two people live my dream of being in love, and it destroyed me. I loved those girls and they left me just like everyone else that I gained strong feelings for. They had someone else to love now and I was left to pick up the pieces, the pieces of my own broken heart.

Something they used to do.

Yours truly,

Fiona